


pocket universes

by Lvslie



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Crack, F/M, Matchmakers, Romance, Social Media, Suspicions, crack and fluff, groupchats, need i say more
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-10
Updated: 2017-06-08
Packaged: 2018-08-30 05:55:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 10,551
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8521024
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lvslie/pseuds/Lvslie
Summary: Jack Harkness to We're Making John Propose 2k17: i know the history of this group is long and turbulentJack Harkness: but right now it seems like the only Right Thing™ to do which is whyJack Harkness: hell yeah we are!!Mickey Smith: and yet againMickey Smith: why am i in this group





	1. a pocket universe

**Author's Note:**

> for the lovely @wishuponabluebox who requested it “i’m coming, just sit tight!”. It’s not angsty at all. Well, a tiny bit, but mostly it’s just pure crack. Seriously, the crackiest thing I’ve ever written. I got inspired by the abundant and utterly wondrous social media AUs that are circulating around the Jily side of Tumblr and decided DW needs some as well. <3

* * *

 

 _Jack Harkness_  to  _Defenders of the Earth_ : heyyyyy everyone

 _Mickey Smith:_  are you drunk

 _Rose Tyler:_  yeah mickey what else is new

 _Jack Harkness_ : is that Rose! 

 _Martha Jones:_  What, capitalization of a name? Punctuation marks? Is that a Christmas miracle?

 _Martha Jones:_  … Although that exclamation mark does make me uneasy.

 _Jack Harkness:_  !!

 _Jack Harkness:_  Rose i’ve been thanking

 _Jack Harkness_ : thinking

 _Rose Tyler:_  that actually happens?? i’m impressed

 _Jack Harkness:_  i sort of can’t stop

 _Jack Harkness:_  thinkiggng

 _Rose Tyler:_  what about

 _Jack Harkness:_  you

 _Rose Tyler:_  what

 _Donna Noble:_  … okay is that john

 _Donna Noble:_  and is he drunk

 _Donna Noble:_  is he even allowed to drink with arrythmia

 _Mickey Smith:_  john has arrythmia???

 _Jack Harkness:_  no you don’t understand

 _Jack Harkness:_  I

_Jack Harkness has left the group._

_Mickey Smith:_  what an exit

 _Mickey Smith:_  u think he’s gonna propose?

 _Rose Tyler:_  SHUT it mickey

 _Martha Jones:_  Maybe it really was Jack.

 _Donna Noble:_  yeah RIGHT

 _Donna Noble:_  notice how the only capitalized letter was the r in rose

 _Donna Noble:_  that’s so jack

 _Donna Noble:_  that’s all he’s thinking about. rose. that’s why he keeps whining about her and making awful life choices 

 _Donna Noble:_  connected with rose

 _Donna Noble:_  and getting drunk and whining about rose even more

 _Donna Noble:_  that’s just who jack is

 _Donna Noble:_  that’s how he successfully hits on everything with legs

 _Donna Noble:_  by telling them in detail about rose

 _Donna Noble:_  they bloody love it, i’m telling you

 _Mickey Smith:_  *john

 _Donna Noble:_  oh my GOD mickey

 _Rose Tyler:_  i hate you all

 _Martha Jones:_  Hey, I said maybe it was Jack.

 _Donna Noble:_  rethink the dot on the end martha

 _Donna Noble:_  it sort of looks like you wanna murder the recipient

 _Martha Jones:_  For the last time, that’s correct punctuation!

* * *

_John Noble_  to  _Rose Tyler_ : okay i booked the tickets for the latest asteroid fall emulation and also we’re gonna go to the planetarium and there’s this little shop i wanted you to see and this sorta garden for the vips only but i sneaked around it and we can go

 _Rose Tyler:_  you think you’re so impressive

 _John Noble:_  i AM so impressive

 _John Noble:_  the garden is pretty cute though

 _John Noble:_  i mean, not cute. i don’t do cute

 _John Noble:_  i’m a manly man

 _Rose Tyler:_  you’re nuts

 _John Noble:_  … i’m nuts BUT?

 _Rose Tyler:_  but?

 _John Noble:_  oh

 _John Noble:_  that WAS supposed to be an insult

 _Rose Tyler:_  <3

 _John Noble:_  i know i was supposed to sulk but awwwwww

* * *

_Jack Harkness_  to  _We’re Gonna Make John and Rose Kiss on Under the Mistletoe 2k16_ : hell yeah we are 

 _Mickey Smith:_  why am i in this group 

 _Donna Noble:_  cause it’s the right thing to do mickey. The right thing to do 

 _Martha Jones:_  So what’s this year’s tactic? 

 _Donna Noble:_  we can make them jealous first

 _Donna Noble:_  rile up the tension

 _Jack Harkness:_  im seducing rose 

 _Jack Harkness:_  wait no im seducing both 

 _Martha Jones:_  Bit “Friends” though, isn’t it? 

_Jack Harkness changed the name of the group to Joey, Rachel, Phoebe and Ross_

_Mickey Smith:_  what 

 _Jack Harkness:_  seriously mickey have you been living under a rock for the past entirety of your existence 

 _Donna Noble:_  he’s so ross though

 _Jack Harkness:_  right???

* * *

_John Noble_  to  _Rose Tyler_ : what are you up to?

 _Rose Tyler:_  nothing

 _Rose Tyler:_  watching telly cuddling a very ginger gentleman

 _Rose Tyler:_  doesn’t get much better than that

 _John Noble_ : …

 _John Noble:_  Well. I’m sorry for interrupting then.

 _Rose Tyler:_  actually, you’re welcome too

 _Rose Tyler:_  you might even get a cuddle from us both

 _John Noble:_  what

 _John Noble:_  WAIT DID YOU MEAN THE CAT

 _Rose Tyler:_  who did you THINK i meant

 _John Noble:_  i’m on my way

 _Rose Tyler:_  good

* * *

_Rose Tyler_  to  _Mickey Smith:_  seriously though, ‘timorous beastie’? what was that even about? you can do better than that, c’monnn

 _Rose Tyler:_  uh sorry wrong number

 _Mickey Smith:_  i’m actually relieved you know

 _Rose Tyler:_  although the scottish was nice

 _Rose Tyler:_  DAMN

 _Mickey Smith:_  go on, don’t mind me

* * *

_Mickey Smith_  to _Not All Men_ : john what the hell is a timorous beastie

 _John Noble:_  uhh

 _John Noble:_  why would you ask me that mickey???

 _Jack Harkness:_  sounds like shakespeare

 _Jack Harkness:_  ask john

 _Mickey Smith:_  i literally just did

 _John Noble:_  yeah yeah it’s from shakespeare why

 _John Noble:_   who mentioned it to you

 _John Noble:_  mickey

 _Mickey Smith:_  rose

 _Mickey Smith:_  she texted me that i can do better than that and said it was wrong number

 _Jack Harkness:_  this actually sounds like a topic i want to explore

 _Mickey Smith:_  she also said scottish was nice

 _Jack Harkness:_  kinky!

 _John Noble:_  yeah definitely shakespeare

 _John Noble:_  my favourite play of his

 _John Noble:_  much ado about NOTHING

 _Jack Harkness:_  alright calm down JOAN, we get it you’re a loser

* * *

_Mickey Smith_ to  _Martha Jones:_  hey Martha 

 _Martha Jones:_  Mickey I can let you copy off my notes but don’t you dare show them to Jack and John, okay? They do NOT deserve my notes. 

 _Mickey Smith:_  … actually i wanted to ask if you’re free this friday because i’d like to take you out 

 _Mickey Smith:_  you’re spending too much time worrying 

 _Mickey Smith:_  and i though you could use with a break 

 _Mickey Smith:_  and there’s this place you’d love that i want to show you 

 _Martha Jones:_  Oh. 

 _Mickey Smith:_  is that a no? 

 _Martha Jones:_  That’s a definite yes. 

* * *

_Donna Noble_  to  _The_   _Three Graces_ : martha are you or are you not going out with mickey smith

 _Rose Tyler:_  WHAT

 _Rose Tyler:_  WHEN HAS THIS HAPPENED

 _Martha Jones:_  One time. One time we went out. I don’t even know how the hell do you know about it already, Donna.

 _Rose Tyler:_  !!!!

 _Rose Tyler:_  i mean, i support you no matter of the life choices but

 _Rose Tyler:_  !!!

 _Donna Noble:_  and that children is what we call a personal bias

* * *

_Jack Harkness_  to  _Young Men! Are You Listenin’ To Me!!_ : JOHN 

 _Jack Harkness:_  J O HNNN

 _Mickey Smith:_  i don’t think he’s online jack

 _Jack Harkness:_  JOHN I HAVE A QUESTION

 _Mickey Smith:_  cause i asked him for the physics homework earlier and he didn’t respond

 _Jack Harkness:_  JOHN FOR FUCKSSAKE this is an emergency

 _Mickey Smith:_  i really don’t think that’s gonna work

 _Jack Harkness:_  ROSE TYLER

 _John Noble:_  WHAT

 _Jack Harkness:_  …. wow it worked

 _Jack Harkness:_  i owe martha money now

 _Jack Harkness:_  anyway 

 _Jack Harkness:_  listen youre not related to anyone called jenny right?

 _John Noble:_  jack what HAVE you done

 _Jack Harkness:_  ……. are you then?

 _Jack Harkness:_  well, fuck me

 _John Noble:_  NO THANKS

 _Jack Harkness:_  kinky!

 _John Noble:_  jack what have you done to jenny

 _Mickey Smith:_  john what about physics

_Seen by everyone at 11:54_

* * *

_Jack Harkness_  to  _Defenders of the Earth:_  guys have you heard there’s a shake and shiver concert in london

 _Rose Tyler:_  WHAT 

 _Rose Tyler:_  no way 

 _Rose Tyler:_  how much are the tickets??? 

 _Donna Noble:_  only about three times the worth of my family heirloom i think 

 _Donna Noble:_  oh and by the way my granddad told me to say hi

 _Jack Harkness:_  HI WILF <3

 _Jack Harkness:_  have i ever mentioned i love your grandfather

 _Rose Tyler:_  oh my god. OH MY GOD 

 _Rose Tyler:_  jack when is it? How can we get the tickets? 

 _Mickey Smith_ : how are you even gonna get the money rose, you’re broke

 _Rose Tyler:_  CRIME 

 _Rose Tyler:_  SEDUCTION 

 _Rose Tyler:_  PHYSICAL VIOLENCE

 _Donna Noble:_  so all of jack’s hobbies 

 _Jack Harkness:_  this is supposed to be insulting? 

 _Donna Noble:_  yes 

 _Jack Harkness:_  its not 

 _Jack Harkness:_  rosie im sorry but there are no more tickets

 _Jack Harkness:_  they were sold out the 1st day 

 _Rose Tyler:_  oh 

 _Jack Harkness:_  man i feel like an ass now

 _Donna Noble:_  you ARE an ass 

 _Donna Noble:_ in the most donkey sense 

 _Jack Harkness:_  again, not insulted

 _Rose Tyler:_  that’s fine.

 _Mickey Smith:_  wait what’s shake and shiver 

* * *

_John Noble_  to  _the Beefcake, the Doctor & the Mouse:_ alright i will ask you once more who stole my glasses 

 _Mickey Smith:_  since when do you wear glasses???

 _Jack Harkness:_  why would i CARE about your glasses 

 _John Noble:_  i can’t find them and i need them to finish the reaction for the lab tomorrow 

 _Jack Harkness:_  sweet jesus john live a little 

 _Jack Harkness:_  this existence of yours truly saddens me 

* * *

_3:01 a.m._

_Jack Harkness_  to  _Defenders of the Earth:_  do you think the stars have feelings

 _Donna Noble:_  yes

 _Donna Noble:_  yes they do

 _Donna Noble:_  your existence offended every one of them

 _Jack Harkness:_  burns like the sun, donna

 _Jack Harkness:_  i love it

* * *

_Rose Tyler_  to  _Who Run The World:_  DONNA

 _Donna Noble:_  the answer is no

 _Rose Tyler:_  which part of my surname spells harkness

 _Rose Tyler_ : for me to be dismissed so rudely

 _Donna Noble_ : oh don’t you mr darcy me tyler

 _Donna Noble:_  i know what you’re up to

 _Rose Tyler:_  donna come onnnnn

 _Martha Jones_ : Wait, what is it about?

 _Rose Tyler:_  life of intrigue and international mystery

 _Martha Jones:_  What?

 _Donna Noble:_  …

 _Donna Noble:_  okay fine. rose wants to go to ‘espionage workshops’ to which she was invited by a freak who said she can control her heartbeat and she goes by ‘codename oswin’

 _Rose Tyler:_  oh come on, admit it. clara is amazing

 _Martha Jones:_  … Oh my God, if Donna doesn’t want to, can I come?

 _Rose Tyler:_  YES

 _Donna Noble:_  you’re both BONKERS

* * *

_Sarah J. Smith_  to  _The Best Science Class In the Universe:_  Dear students, I would like to remind you of the written assignment deadline tomorrow. 

 _Martha Jones:_  Professor, I have already submitted the essay last week. 

 _Sarah J. Smith:_  Yes, Martha, I’ve noticed. 

 _Jack Harkness:_  ha 

 _Sarah J. Smith:_  Mr Harkness, I would also like to remind you that the subject of interbreeding between different species is not allowed again. 

 _Martha Jones:_  Who’s ‘ha’ now? 

 _Mickey Smith:_  Professor, can we email you the paper or do we have to have it printed 

 _Sarah J. Smith:_  You can send it to me, Rickey, I don’t mind. 

 _Jack Harkness:_  HHHHAAAAAA

* * *

_Jack Harkness_   _changed the group name to RICKEY AND FRIENDS_

 _Donna Noble:_  who the fuck is rickey 

 _Mickey Smith:_  …

 _Martha Jones:_  Aw, come on, Jack, that’s just mean. 

 _Mickey Smith:_  thanks martha

 _Jack Harkness_ : alright rartha rones 

 _Jack Harkness:_ have it your way 

_Jack Harkness changed the group name to RICKEY AND RRIENDS_

_Jack Harkness:_  better?

_Donna Noble has left the group._

* * *

_John Noble_  to  _Rose Tyler:_  you goin’ my way, doll? 

 _Rose Tyler:_  is there any other way to go, daddy-o? 

 _John Noble:_  YOU SPEAK THE LINGO 

 _Rose Tyler:_  what can is say. i’m just TOO GOOD

 _John Noble:_  you actually are

 _John Noble:_  now listen, how about we go to a certain concert tomorrow at 8 

 _Rose Tyler:_ … john we can’t break in

 _Rose Tyler:_  scotland was fun but we agreed not to do that again

 _Rose Tyler:_  besides that’s not professor smith’s broomshed we’re talking about now

 _John Noble:_  Rose Tyler are you DOUBTING me? 

 _John Noble:_  RUDE 

 _Rose Tyler:_ um, see who’s talking 

 _John Noble:_  i’ve had the tickets 

 _John Noble:_  since the tickets started ticketing

 _John Noble:_  now, i might want to take Rose Tyler to a fantastic concert once in a while

 _John Noble:_ doesn’t exactly mean i want jack harkness to be around at the time

 _Rose Tyler:_  wait, you’re not kidding?

 _Rose Tyler:_  you actually really have them?

 _John Noble:_  would you even have a sense of humour about that

 _Rose Tyler:_  … no but 

 _John Noble:_  go get ready. we mustn’t be late

 _Rose Tyler:_  JOHN

 _Rose Tyler:_  i love you.

 _John Noble:_  quite right too ;)

* * *

_Jack Harkness_  to  _Rose Tyler:_  uh, rosie

 _Rose Tyler:_  yeah?

 _Jack Harkness:_  i think john’s had a heart attack

 _Rose Tyler:_  WHAT OH MY GOD CALL AN AMBULANCE

 _Jack Harkness:_  oh no wait

 _Jack Harkness:_  he’s just read something. damn you never know with that one

 _Jack Harkness:_  they probably invited him to work for NASA

 _Jack Harkness:_  judging by the bliss on his face

 _Rose Tyler:_  NASA, huh?

 _Rose Tyler:_  must be it

 _Jack Harkness:_  yeah

 _Jack Harkness:_ or shakespeare

* * *

_Martha Jones_  to  _Jack’s Bitches:_  Have any of you seen Rose and John lately?

 _Jack Harkness:_  define lately

 _Mickey Smith:_  define bitches

 _Jack Harkness:_  that’s you, micks. you’re all my bitches.

 _Mickey Smith:_  i’m actually touched jack

* * *

_Mickey Smith_  to  _Captain Harkness’ Lonely Hearts Club ft. Rickey_ : hey guys what are you doing on sunday

 _Jack Harkness:_  nothing that cannot be rearranged mate

 _Mickey Smith:_  i feel like we don’t hang out anymore

 _Jack Harkness:_  we’re literally sitting across of each other

 _Jack Harkness_ : there’s only the floor and john’s laundry basket between us

 _Jack Harkness:_  i can hear you TYPE

 _Mickey Smith:_  i meant properly hang out

 _Jack Harkness:_  now that you mentioned it

 _Jack Harkness:_  where the fuck is john

* * *

_Donna Noble_  to  _Jack Harkness_ : okay i can’t believe i’m asking you this 

 _Donna Noble:_  but don’t you think rose and john are secretely doing it? 

 _Jack Harkness:_  WHAT 

 _Jack Harkness:_  WHAT HAVE YOU SEEN 

 _Donna Noble:_  well 

 _Jack Harkness:_  WELL???

 _Donna Noble:_  remember that time john nagged us all about his glasses 

 _Jack Harkness:_  … i have never been more disappointed with the end of a sentence in my life donna 

 _Donna Noble:_  piss off, i’m not finished 

 _Donna Noble:_  well i was at rose’s lately and we were studying maths and they were there, sitting neatly on her nighttable 

 _Donna Noble:_  and she was wearing a physics pals club t-shirt

 _Jack Harkness:_  DONNA NOBLE 

 _Jack Harkness:_ THIS IS CHICKEN SOUP FOR MY EARS

 _Jack Harkness:_  now the important, how do we embarrass them 

 _Donna Noble:_  you’re talking sense for the first time since i know you, harkness 

 _Jack Harkness_ : need i remind you of the first time we met

 _Donna Noble:_  if you want to be exterminated, please do

 _Donna Noble:_  now back to the lovebirds

* * *

_John Noble_  to  _Rose Tyler:_  Rose?

 _Rose Tyler:_  it’s 3 am, this better be worth it

 _Rose Tyler:_  or, like, say goodbye to this universe

 _John Noble:_  the thing is, i think i might

 _John Noble:_  i mean i don’t want to make it sound super dramatic or whatever

 _John Noble:_  but i think i’m having a heart attackk v

 _John Noble:_  like a proper one

 _John Noble:_  i don’t really know where i am dn

 _John Noble:_  rose

_John Noble is typing…_

_John Noble:_  .

 _John Noble:_  .

 _Rose Tyler:_  oh my GOD

 _Rose Tyler:_  OH MY GOD JOHN DON”T DIE

_2 missed calls from Rose Tyler_

_Rose Tyler:_ John where are you

 _Rose Tyler:_  JOHN

 _Rose Tyler:_   i’m coming just sit tight 

* * *

_Rose Tyler_  to  _Martha Jones:_  martha i know its very late but i need your help

 _Rose Tyler:_  martha please this is very important PLEASE

 _Martha Jones:_  Whoa, what happened?

 _Rose Tyler_ : john had a heart attack we’re in the ambulance to the hospital and he’s unconscious they’re saying he’s gonna be fine but i dont knoW im just so scared somethings gonna happen to him i think i’m going insane

 _Rose Tyler:_  and you have those extra classes there could you maybe please pleaese somehow make sure he’s treated at once

 _Rose Tyler:_  please

 _Martha Jones:_  Don’t even mention it. On my way.

* * *

_Jack Harkness_  to  _Defenders of the Earth:_  CLOISTER BELL

 _Mickey Smith:_  what the ffuck

 _Mickey Smith:_  jack its the mddle of the bloody NIGH T

 _Donna Noble:_  that’s the name of john’s band from middle school right?

 _Donna Noble:_  cloister bell

 _Jack Harkness:_  NO

 _Jack Harkness_ : ITS THE CODE

 _Jack Harkness:_  I CANT BELIEVE YOU FORGOT THE CODE

 _Jack Harkness:_  JOHN AND ROSE HAVE BEEN ATTACKED BY A TERRORIST OR SOMETHING AND HE’S BEEN SHOT

 _Donna Noble:_ WHAT

 _Donna Noble:_  harkness are you taking the piss because that’s not even remotely funny

 _Jack Harkness:_  i’m not martha called me

 _Jack Harkness:_ she knows from rose

 _Jack Harkness:_  apparently rose survived

 _Donna Noble:_  oh my god

 _Mickey Smith:_  wait what

 _Mickey Smith:_  why does martha call YOU to tell that

 _Donna Noble:_  THAT’s what you focus on???

 _Jack Harkness:_  because im irresistible

 _Donna Noble:_  did you HAVE to

 _Jack Harkness:_  its a reflex

 _Donna Noble:_  ….jesus. what hospital are they in

 _Mickey Smith:_  wait

 _Mickey Smith:_  nvm i have like 15 calls from martha

 _Mickey Smith:_  apparently john’s in hospital

 _Jack Harkness:_  NO SHIT SHERLOCK

* * *

_Donna Noble_  to  _Rose Tyler:_  rose i will sit with him, go home and get some sleep 

 _Rose Tyler:_  thanks donna but i’m fine 

 _Donna Noble:_  rose i’m not kidding you have to go home, you’re exhausted 

 _Rose Tyler:_  i said i’m fine 

 _Donna Noble:_  we can alternate shifts with mickey

 _Donna Noble:_  i promise we won’t let jack anywhere near the hospital

 _Rose Tyler:_  donna i’m not leaving him

 _Donna Noble:_  when is the last time you ate, rose?

_Seen 7:47_

* * *

_Jack Harkness_ to _Slumber Party at Martha’s Lair:_  hey can we bring pumpkins

 _Donna Noble:_  what FOR

 _Jack Harkness:_  fun

 _Jack Harkness:_  what else ??

 _Martha Jones:_  Jack for the love of God, stop calling the hospital a lair.

 _Martha Jones:_  And it’s NOT a slumber party.

_Jack Harkness changed the name of the group to John’s Funeral Rehearsal_

_Mickey Smith:_  what hospital 

 _Martha Jones:_  Mickey, I don’t understand. What do you mean?

 _Jack Harkness_  changed the name of the group to  _The Last Supper With Unconscious Jesus_

 _Mickey Smith:_  what hospital is that? how do i get there?

 _Jack Harkness_   _changed the group name to_   _Charity Gathering to Prevent Rose Tyler’s Premature Withering from Exhaustion_

Martha Jones: Oh my God, Mickey, are you serious?

 _Jack Harkness changed the name of the group to_   _Doctor Jones’ Anatomy Lesson_

_Donna Noble deleted Jack Harkness from the group_

_Mickey Smith:_  yeah, can you just tell me? how do i get there?

_Read by everyone at 8:32_

_Mickey Smith:_  WAIT I GET IT NOW THAT’S MARTHA’S HOSPITAL

* * *

_John Noble_  to  _Rose Tyler:_  hello

 _Rose Tyler:_  hello

 _John Noble:_  long time no see :)

 _Rose Tyler:_  you absolute git

 _Rose Tyler:_  welcome back

 _John Noble:_  <3

* * *

_John Noble:_  funny though, isn’t it? my own heart almost killed me

 _Rose Tyler:_  i don’t know, john, that does seem a lot like the epitome of unfunny

 _Rose Tyler:_  but maybe it’s just me

 _Rose Tyler_ : i actually thought i lost you, you know

 _John Noble:_  i actually thought i’m going to lose you too

 _John Noble:_  think we can call it even

* * *

_Mickey Smith_  to  _Calculus Totalus:_  hey guys does anyone have the maths homework

 _Jack Harkness:_  there was maths homework???

 _Donna Noble:_  who cares about maths when john’s been resurrected

 _Martha Jones:_  I have Maths homework.

 _Donna Noble:_  …this is actually sort of offending

 _Donna Noble:_  john i advise you to disown her

 _Rose Tyler:_  i mean if you think about it

 _Rose Tyler:_  his possessions are all kinda shitty

 _Rose Tyler:_  so getting rid of them would be a blessing

 _John Noble:_  OI

 _Mickey Smith:_  martha can i copy?

* * *

_Rose Tyler_  to  _John Noble_ : how are you feeling? 

 _John Noble:_  very odd. sorta wonky. sorta not. sort of like i’m being on high definition but slightly deaf too. i hope it’s the meds tbh 

 _Rose Tyler:_  well judging by your description they gave you a brain transplant insead of a pacemaker 

 _John Noble:_  nah my brain’s fine

 _John Noble:_  it does feel strange to have two hearts, though

 _Rose Tyler_ : you don’t have two hearts you nerd 

 _John Noble:_   ONLY TECHNICALLY 

 _Rose Tyler:_  fine, if that makes you feel better

 _Rose Tyler:_  i mean it’s not like i’m complaining

 _Rose Tyler:_  the more inexhaustible you get the better

 _Rose Tyler:_  ;)

 _John Noble:_  ?

 _John Noble:_  OH 

 _John Noble:_  OHHH 

 _John Noble:_  Rose Tyler! 

 _Rose Tyler:_  do you still have a free lunchbreak?

 _John Noble:_  NOW I DO

* * *

_Jack Harkness_  to  _We’re Making John Realize He Needs To Propose 2k16:_  hell yeah we are

 _Mickey Smith:_  guys i really don’t want to do this again

 _Donna Noble_ : that’s fine mickey

 _Donna Noble_ : i’m sure hell is a nice cosy place to spend the rest of forever in

 _Jack Harkness:_  yeah rickey, not cool

 _Mickey Smith:_  FINE

* * *

_Mickey Smith_  to  _Captain Harkness’ Lonely Hearts Club ft. Rickey ft. John:_  so guys what about this sunday

 _Mickey Smith:_  i feel like we don’t hang out anymore


	2. axis mundi

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rumour has it that Rose and John are to face a major life-changing event.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m in too much of an Inspiration Slump to write anything ‘proper’ but I saw the @timepetalsprompts prompt: any fic in which Jack Harkness is the main character + college/student AU and somehow I thought back to this and just went ‘why not’? :) 
> 
> So here it is!

_Jack Harkness_  to  _What is Mickey Short For Research Project 2k17_ : so

 _Jack Harkness:_  what IS mickey short for 

 _John Noble:_  that is the question 

 _Rose Tyler:_  it's an acronym 

 _Rose Tyler:_  M.I.C.K.E.Y. 

 _Rose Tyler:_  agents of 

 _Rose Tyler:_  Multiple Incident Causing Knights of Erroneous Youth 

 _Jack Harkness:_ TYLER THIS IS POETRY <3

 _John Noble:_  hands off the blonde, harkness, no hearts allowed.

 _John Noble:_  also can i be iron man

 _Rose Tyler:_  only if i get to be captain america 

 _John Noble:_  deal <3 

 _Donna Noble:_  michael 

 _Jack Harkness:_  michael what

 _Jack Harkness:_  there’s no such a character in MCU

 _Donna Noble:_  michael smith, that's what it says in the register 

 _Jack Harkness:_  woman, you're spewing nonsense 

 _Donna Noble:_  mickey’s NAME, you dumb shit 

 _Jack Harkness:_  .......is obviously Machiavelli 

 _Martha Jones:_  Well… can't argue with that. 

 _Mickey Smith:_  oi, whose side are you on?

* * *

 

_Mickey Smith_ to  _Women Come and Go Talking of Michelangelo_ : fucks sake guys, can you drop it already 

 _Mickey Smith:_  first rickey, now this

 _Jack Harkness:_  depends. 

 _Jack Harkness:_  how’s david 2.0 going? any chance he’s gonna look like me?

 _Mickey Smith:_  i don't get it jack

 _Mickey Smith:_  you didn’t tease john for taking an art class about fricken renaissance sculptors to impress rose 

 _Mickey Smith:_  but you're still having a Go™ at my name

 _Jack Harkness:_  john did WHAT 

 _Jack Harkness_  changed the group name to  _We Want a Naked Rose Sculpture by Monday, Johnangelo da Nobili_

 _John Noble_  changed the group name to  _Piss Off, Harkness_

 _Jack Harkness_ changed the group name to  _Not a Fucking Chance, Phidias_

 _Jack Harkness_ : oi mickey how do you do the tm thing 

 _Mickey_   _Smith_ : Find™ Out™ Yourself™ Asshat™ 

 _Jack Harkness:_ aw come oonnn micks you know i love you <3

 _Mickey Smith:_  yeah, i know <3 

 _Martha Jones:_  … This conversation just keeps getting creepier and creepier.

 _Jack Harkness:_  what, running out of fairy dust already, martha? too mature to have fun??

 _Jack Harkness_  changed the group name to  _Neverland_   _and Martha is Not Invited_

 _Martha Jones:_ Ha, ha. Exquisitely funny, Jack. You just outdid yourself here.

 _Donna Noble:_ you wait till you see john’s oil painting assignment

 _Donna Noble_ : until then you haven’t seen funny in your life, i swear

* * *

 

_Rose Tyler_  to  _John Noble:_  you did what :D 

 _John Noble:_  Rose have mercy on me 

 _John Noble_ : i was young and stupid

 _Rose Tyler:_  that was like six months ago :D

 _Rose Tyler:_  john :D :D :D 

 _Rose Tyler:_ have you done the watercolours? have you done the clay course?? abstract painting? 

 _John Noble:_ why am i even with you 

 _Rose Tyler:_  wait HAVE YOU MADE THOSE AWFUL POTS WITH ROSES MY MUM HAS from a Mysterious Admirer ???

 _John Noble:_  shut up 

 _Rose Tyler:_  ohhmygoddd i'm wheezing 

 _Rose Tyler:_ this is golden

 _John Noble:_  i hate you 

 _Rose Tyler:_  GOLDEN

* * *

 

_Rose Tyler_  to  _John Noble:_  for real though Doctor

 _Rose Tyler:_  it's absurdly sweet <3 

 _John Noble:_  i don't want to be sweet, Rose

 _John Noble:_  i'd much prefer manly, dashing and little bit foxy 

 _Rose Tyler:_  you're the sweetest cupcake around xx

 _John Noble:_ …

* * *

 

_John Noble_  to  _My Rifle My Pony and Me and Yes, Mickey’s the Pony_ : jack how did you find your flat?

 _Jack Harkness:_  i hooked up with lynds from biotechnology, her uncle was renting 

 _Jack Harkness:_ why 

 _John Noble:_ nvm, just wondering. 

 _Mickey Smith:_ i moved in to my gran’s old flat

 _Jack Harkness:_  michelle smith, answering the questions never asked since 1989

 _Mickey Smith:_  i wasn’t even born in 1989 jack

 _Jack Harkness:_ mickey. did i ASK

* * *

 

_Donna Noble_  to  _Jack Harkness:_  WHAT IS HAPPENING 

 _Jack Harkness:_  the answers to this question are multiple, donna

 _Jack Harkness:_  good old earth's probably turning 

 _Jack Harkness:_  mickey continues being a rather lovable universal error 

 _Jack Harkness:_  martha’s nobel prize for memorizing every single word in latin is waiting for her patiently in the distant future 

 _Jack Harkness:_  possibilites are endless 

 _Donna Noble:_  NO 

 _Donna Noble:_ i'm in the hospital to pick up Martha 

 _Donna Noble_ : and rose is in the lab with prof smith and theyre whispering 

 _Donna Noble:_ and rose is saying she's freaking out because it was supposed to be on friday and it all makes sense i fucking knew ITTT

 _Jack Harkness:_  knew what

 _Donna Noble:_  and sarah jane said that there are possibilities 

 _Donna Noble:_  and rOSe SAID THAT SHE's BEEN SICK ALL THE TKME LATELY 

 _Donna Noble:_  OH MY GOD WHY AM I TELLING YOU THIS I should NOT BE TELLING YOU THIS

 _Jack Harkness:_  telling me what 

 _Donna Noble:_ promise not to tell anyone! Fuckin swear, Jack!! 

 _Jack Harkness:_  tell WHAT 

 _Donna Noble:_ Rose is pregnant.

_Read 5:45_

_Donna Noble:_  Harkness are you there 

 _Donna Noble:_  HARKNESS 

 _Jack Harkness:_ i'm fine i'm fine imfine

 _Jack Harkness:_  it's just im not ready for this and

 _Jack Harkness:_  NO IM NOT FINE 

 _Jack Harkness:_  oh my god donna i am too young

 _Jack Harkness:_  how will i handle all the responsibility?

 _Donna Noble:_ IT's NOT EVEN YOUR BABY YOU IDIOT 

 _Jack Harkness:_  ITS STILL FAMILY, DONNA. A MAN HAS TO TAKE CARE OF THE FAMILY

 _Donna Noble:_  STOP YELLING 

 _Jack Harkness:_  YOU STOP YELLING FIRST 

 _Donna Noble:_  I CAN’T

 _Donna Noble:_  I’M GONNA BE A BLOODY AUNT

* * *

 

_Jack Harkness_  to  _We're Expecting_ : ight kids 

 _Mickey Smith:_  expecting what 

 _Jack Harkness:_  the last fucking judgement, mickey

 _Jack Harkness:_  what do you THINK 

 _Donna Noble:_  alright harkness stop it there’s no time for that 

 _Donna Noble:_ to the point: rose is pregnant with john 

 _Martha Jones:_  What?! 

 _Mickey Smith:_  whoooaaah for real?

 _Donna Noble_ : she doesn't know i know 

 _Donna Noble:_  and i don't know if john knows 

 _Donna Noble:_ but i figured y’all have to know 

 _Donna Noble:_  because those two idiots will not manage by themselves if we don't support them 

 _Jack Harkness:_  amen to that

 _Jack Harkness:_  and hereby i self-proclaim myself The Godfather

 _Mickey Smith:_  you would make such a shit Don, jack

 _Jack Harkness:_  shut up fredo

 _Martha Jones:_ Wait, but... is this confirmed? Are you 100% sure?

 _Donna Noble:_  yeah, i overheard Rose telling SJ 

 _Martha Jones:_  Oh dear. But this is groundbreaking news. Does John have any idea? What about Rose? How will she manage to finish Uni with a baby? 

 _Jack Harkness:_ and that 

 _Jack Harkness:_  is where we enter 

 _Jack Harkness_  changed the group name to  _Ultimate Babysitters™_

 _Mickey Smith:_ damn you worked out the ™ 

 _Jack Harkness_ : mickey 

 _Jack Harkness:_  Shut Up™ 

 _Donna Noble:_  i feel old.

* * *

 

_John Noble_  to _Rose Tyler:_  donna's been giving me the weirdest look all day

 _John Noble:_ you think she's onto something?

 _Rose Tyler:_ shit, maybe

 _Rose Tyler:_  but who knows with donna

 _Rose Tyler:_  it might as well be 'how dare you be my brother' or smth like that

 _John Noble:_  ehh, true

 _John Noble:_ still, this seemed different

 _Rose Tyler:_ different how?

 _John Noble:_  like she was worried about me?

 _Rose Tyler:_  what, donna? come off it

 _John Noble:_  idk

 _John Noble:_ for real though. and sort of like pity was there too

 _Rose Tyler:_  well that's more like it

 _Rose Tyler:_  you can be quite pitiful, Dr Play-Doh 

 _John Noble:_ now that i think of it

 _John Noble:_  she probs pitied me because she knew what an AWFUL girlfriend i have

 _Rose Tyler:_  more like, she pitied you because my mother thinks you're in love with her

 _Rose Tyler:_  cos you anonymously gave her fucking POTS

 _John Noble:_  WITH LITTLE ROSES ON

 _John Noble:_  it's not like i sculpted little jackies all over them!!

 _Rose Tyler:_  you have no idea, cupcake

 _Rose Tyler:_  how insanely lucky you are that you didn't

* * *

 

_Martha Jones_  to  _Rose Tyler:_  Hi, Rose, how are you feeling?

 _Rose Tyler:_ uh,fine, i guess, loads of work

 _Rose Tyler:_  and you, Martha? everything alright?

 _Martha Jones:_  Yes, yes, everything fine. 

 _Martha Jones:_  Listen, Rose, I just wanted you to know, if you needed something, I'm always there to help.

 _Rose Tyler:_ uh, thanks Martha, this goes both ways obviously

 _Martha Jones:_  :)

* * *

 

_Rose Tyler_  to  _Jack Harkness:_  Jack

 _Jack Harkness:_ rose?

 _Rose Tyler:_  god why does it always sound like freaking titanic

 _Jack Harkness:_  my heart will, my heart will go onnnnNNN

 _Rose Tyler:_  anyway

 _Rose Tyler:_  jack, are you setting martha up for something?

 _Jack Harkness:_ who, me??? whatever gave you the idea, rosie??

 _Jack Harkness:_  i'm the joan of arc of this group

 _Rose Tyler:_  troublesome and haunted, you mean

 _Jack Harkness:_ innocent and enlightened by the heavens

 _Rose Tyler:_  i thought joan was john's nickname though?

 _Jack Harkness:_ i'm flexible

 _Rose Tyler:_  i never doubted THAT

 _Jack Harkness:_  ily, rosie

 _Rose Tyler:_ i kno :-)

 _Rose Tyler:_  just don't tell john, i don't want him to beaten up in a honorary fight over my virtue

 _Jack Harkness:_ your faith in your boyfriend's strength is astounding

 _Rose Tyler:_  i know

 _Rose Tyler:_ and jack?

 _Jack Harkness:_  yes, o sweet marion?

 _Rose Tyler:_  leave martha alone

 _Rose Tyler:_  or i'll snap your neck

 _Rose Tyler:_  got it?

 _Jack Harkness:_ aye aye captain

* * *

 

_Rose Tyler_  to  _John Noble:_  okay you know what, Doctor

 _John Noble:_  yeah?

 _Rose Tyler:_  i did some investigating and you might be right. they're onto something, not just donna

 _Rose Tyler:_  jack and martha too. but i feel like it’s all circling back to donna.

 _John Noble:_  copper's hunch? 

 _Rose Tyler:_  permission to follow up, sarge? ;)

 _John Noble:_  Rose

 _Rose Tyler:_ yeah?

 _John Noble:_  let's skive off english 

 _Rose Tyler:_  fine by me xx

* * *

 

_Jack Harkness_  to  _We Are Family!_ : okay, stage one of investigation showed that rose is exhibiting symptoms of unprompted aggression

 _Jack Harkness:_  conclusion

 _Jack Harkness:_  #pregnant

 _Martha Jones:_  As much as I hate to admit it, I have to agree. Rose has been very pale lately and late to class three times since Monday. In the light of the events, it's... well, it's very very probable that she is, in fact, pregnant.

 _Jack Harkness:_ martha don't you ever grow tired of typing those essays

 _Jack Harkness:_  consider o woman this: "rose looks pale and oversleeps, i think she's up the duff"

 _Jack Harkness:_  the message is the same

 _Martha Jones:_  One day, Jack Harkness, you will realise that it is, in fact, not.

 _Jack Harkness:_  sure whatever

 _Donna Noble:_ okay i have to ask though

 _Donna Noble:_ jack for the love of god was that an e.e. cummings reference

 _Jack Harkness:_  was what a what

 _Donna Noble:_  well that's one way of answering the question

 _Donna Noble:_  nvm

 _Mickey Smith:_  so we're agreed that john knocked up rose?

 _Martha Jones:_ Well ...

 _Martha Jones:_ Guess we are.

* * *

 

_Jack Harkness_ to _We're Making John Propose 2k17:_  i know the history of this group is long and turbulent

 _Jack Harkness:_  but right now it seems like the only Right Thing™ to do which is why

 _Jack Harkness:_  hell yeah we are!!

 _Mickey Smith:_  and yet again

 _Mickey Smith:_  why am i in this group

* * *

 

_Jack Harkness_  to  _Don Jack’s Consiglieri:_  john my man 

 _Jack Harkness:_ ricardo and i have been wondering

 _John Noble:_  you and who

 _Mickey Smith:_  guess that'd be me

 _Mickey Smith:_  well at least this one sounds cool

 _Jack Harkness:_  it rly doesn't, micks

 _Jack Harkness:_ anyway we were thinking

 _Jack Harkness:_  what good friends we are

 _Jack Harkness:_  and how we'll always support each other no matter what

 _Jack Harkness:_  one big family, really

 _Jack Harkness:_ isn't that right, ricky-o? 

 _Mickey Smith:_  yeah

 _John Noble:_  if we're family can i simply disown you with immediate effect

 _Jack Harkness:_  and that's just it because

 _Jack Harkness:_ even if you did

 _Jack Harkness:_ i'd be there for you, john.

 _Mickey Smith:_  oh my god jack

 _John Noble:_  jack

 _John Noble:_  please shut up

* * *

 

_Jack Harkness_  to  _Famiglia Noble_ : so i ordered a couple of books on parenting on amazon

 _Jack Harkness:_  the first chapter is about acceptance of responsibility

 _Jack Harkness:_  and i'm McFreakin’ losing it

 _Jack Harkness:_  i'm not ready to accept the responsibility, guys

 _Martha Jones:_  Jack, do you honestly still think they would let you be responsible for this child under any circumstances ever?

 _Jack Harkness:_  yes?

 _Donna Noble:_ deluded

 _Donna Noble:_  (bless)

* * *

 

_John Noble_ to  _Donna Noble:_  donna i need your advice on something

 _Donna Noble:_ oh Lord

 _Donna Noble:_  i've been preparing myself for this and yet i am n o t  ready

 _Donna Noble:_  jack’s been right with the acceptance and responsibility

 _Donna Noble:_  it’s simply not there yet

 _John Noble:_  what?

 _Donna Noble:_  never mind

 _Donna Noble:_  go on, alien boi 

 _Donna Noble:_ spill, the big sis is here

 _John Noble:_ donna you're seriously creeping me out

 _Donna Noble:_  oh shut it and just tell me 

 _John Noble:_  right, so this is a secret so please don't tell anyone yet, okay?

 _Donna Noble:_ mhmmm

 _John Noble:_  i won the scholarship, donna. the absolutely unattainable ridiculous one with the internship at NASA

 _Donna Noble:_  WHAT

 _John Noble:_ yeah 

 _John Noble:_ and they're willing to pay for the accommodation and all

 _John Noble:_ they said my thesis was "outstanding, perhaps ground-breaking"

 _John Noble:_  i don't know, Rose took care of the reply because i get illiterate when excited

 _Donna Noble:_  oh my God, John, that is ... that is amazing

 _John Noble:_  yeah but that's not it yet

 _John Noble:_  cause i can technically bring someone with me 

 _John Noble:_  so Rose applied for this Uni nearby as an exchange student at Diplomacy but she hasn't got the results yet even though she's supposed to and she's worried sick

 _John Noble:_  and just, she's been so supportive and selfless and excited for me. 

 _John Noble:_ and when i said i don't want to go without her, she said of course she's going with me and that someone has to take care of my bionic heart and regulate the caffeine dosage

 _John Noble:_ but i know she's been fine with graduating from our uni and i know she doesn't want to leave her mum and she's so sad right now even if she pretends she’s not

 _John Noble:_ and i don't know, maybe i'm supposed to let her go and go to the US alone

 _John Noble:_  like maybe she'd be happier here, i mean i'll be stuck in such a lot of classes most of the time, and she's got... like family here and friends and a life 

 _John Noble:_  and there it’d be just me, which is a Loser who likes stars and is shit at socialising 

 _John Noble:_ and it’s just, i can’t help but think

 _John Noble:_  maybe it's time for me not to be selfish

 _Donna Noble:_  ...

 _John Noble:_  i know it's a lot but i've been struggling with this for a week and i'm just so torn, donna, i don't know what to do

 _Donna Noble_ : oh my GOD john you absolute pillock

 _Donna Noble:_  why didn’t you tell me sooner?

 _Donna Noble:_ of course you don't leave her here

 _Donna Noble:_  she loves you. and you love her too

 _John Noble:_  but that's just the point

 _Donna Noble:_  she's NOT gonna be happier here if you leave her, john. end of the question.

 _John Noble:_ but donna

 _Donna Noble:_ shut up and listen

 _Donna Noble:_ we’ll do everything in our might to make sure rose gets the place in that American uni so no worries about that

 _Donna Noble:_ hell, we'll draft a petition and have fricken harriet jones sign it

 _Donna Noble:_  but like we haven't spent the last four years trying to make you get together for you now to get heartbroken over stupid nasa

 _John Noble:_ you sure?

 _Donna Noble:_ yes, i am sure, john

 _Donna Noble:_ and we have a MUCH direr problem right now, lemme tell you

 _John Noble:_ what? what problem

 _Donna Noble:_  well

 _Donna Noble:_  i may or may not have mistakenly told everyone

 _Donna Noble:_  and by everyone i mean jack martha and mickey

 _Donna Noble:_  that rose is pregnant

 _John Noble:_ YOU WHAT

 _Donna Noble:_  i’m sorry!

 _Donna Noble:_  please don't freak out…?

 _John Noble:_ DONNA OH MY GOD

 _John Noble:_  what IF SHE IS

 _Donna Noble:_  WHAT

* * *

 

_Rose Tyler_  to  _Donna Noble_ : explain to me donna

 _Rose Tyler:_  why the bloody hell john's just come running to me

 _Rose Tyler:_  saying that he is not going to 'screw this up, rose, i'm really not'

 _Rose Tyler:_ and declaring he's ditching NASA for the sake of our unborn baby (!)

 _Rose Tyler:_  and it's loving and stable childhood (!!) among people who love it (!!!)

 _Rose Tyler:_  a baby, which might i add, DOESN'T EXIST

 _Rose Tyler:_ AS I AM NOT PREGNANT

 _Donna Noble:_ um

 _Donna Noble:_ at least you know he's a keeper, yeah?

 _Rose Tyler:_  DONNA

 _Donna Noble:_  fine, fine. 

 _Donna Noble:_  rose, i’m sorry.  it’s all my fault. i heard your conversation with SJ and just sort of … assumed. 

 _Rose Tyler:_  ...

 _Rose Tyler:_ is that why jack's been carrying my stuff all week?

 _Donna Noble:_  aye, might be

 _Rose Tyler:_ any chance he keeps doing it without thinking i'm pregnant?

* * *

 

_Rose Tyler_ to  _Defenders of the Earth_ : guys John and I have to make a public announcement

 _Jack Harkness:_ aw here it comes

 _Jack Harkness:_ buckle up pumpkins, the big day is here

 _Rose Tyler:_ right. so.

 _Rose Tyler:_  we are NOT pregnant :D

 _Jack Harkness:_  ashdhjd WHAT

 _Rose Tyler:_  in case of any further confusion please turn to Donna Noble! aka the root cause of all assumptions!

 _Donna Noble:_ yeah

 _Martha Jones:_  …Oh thank God.

 _Martha Jones:_  I mean, no offence, but that poor child would have been scarred forever.

 _John Noble:_ watch it, martha, we’d be AMAZING parents

 _Jack Harkness:_ BUT

 _Jack Harkness:_  but i read TWO manuals for handling babies! i did a quiz on being able to accept my responsibility and i passed it, i freaking PASSED it

 _Jack Harkness:_ please don’t take that away from me

 _John Noble:_  jack in all honesty

 _John Noble:_  you go and have as many children as you want to with your acceptance of responsibility

 _John Noble:_  we give you a blessing


	3. carpe noctem

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John and Rose prepare to embark on their overseas adventure.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> because i needed a break from revising and i needed to get this out of my system.

_Rose Tyler_ to _John Noble:_ have you packed all the stuff already?

 _John Noble:_ no, Rose

 _John Noble:_ i am sorry but i HAD to put my foot down after the seventh of your mother’s jars of pickles

 _Rose Tyler:_ oh god

 _John Noble:_ blinded, perhaps, by the naïve hope that food might exist in America

 _Rose Tyler:_ … oh my GOD john

 _Rose Tyler:_ how are you even alive

 _John Noble:_ well

 _John Noble:_ she doesn’t exactly KNOW

 _John Noble:_ see, when Bev came over to warn us gently of human trafficking, the migrating Bermuda triangle and young sexual deviants from Scotland while scowling intensely in my general direction

 _John Noble:_ i stuffed them all under the couch

 _Rose Tyler:_ john, the NASA would be proud  <3

 _John Noble:_ are you?

 _Rose Tyler:_ YES

* * *

 

 _Donna Noble_ to _X-men but without men so it’s just a strong independent chromosome who ain’t need no Y_ : did i just see mickey leaving jack’s flat in his yesterday’s clothes

 _Martha Jones:_ And that’s surprising because...?

 _Donna Noble:_ ehh, true

* * *

 

 _Mickey Smith_ to _Jack Harkness:_ THIS IS NEVER EVER EVER EVER TO BE SPOKEN OF

 _Mickey Smith:_ EVER

 _Mickey Smith:_ EVER DO YOU GET IT JACK

 _Mickey Smith:_ NOTHING HAPPENED. NOTHING.

 _Jack Harkness:_ aw babe don't be like that

 _Jack Hakness:_ i thought we had something special

 _Mickey Smith:_ FUCKING EVER

 _Jack Harkness:_ <3 <3 <3

* * *

_Rose Tyler_ to _stop renaming the group chat jack or else i'll report you and you know i have bloody evidence:_ guys i lost John

 _Donna Noble:_ a long time ago sunshine

 _Donna Noble:_ sucked right into a black hole, he was

 _Donna Noble:_ right after birth

 _Donna Noble:_  tragic, really.

 _Jack Harkness_ _changed the group name to_ _wait WHO’s threatening me???_

 _Rose Tyler:_ no i mean like for real

 _Rose Tyler:_ we’re at the airport and i lost John

 _Jack Harkness:_  aw my CURSE

 _Jack Harkness:_ i cant believe it worked!

 _Donna Noble:_ what curse

 _Jack Harkness:_ i cursed the plane

 _Rose Tyler:_ what

 _Rose Tyler:_ jack why

 _Jack Harkness:_ rosie honestly i dont even know i was pissed

 _Jack Harkness:_ i’d ask michelangelo but he persists in pretending he doesn’t remember our precious encounter

 _Jack Harkness:_ maybe i thought you were leaving me or smth

 _Martha Jones:_ What precious encounter?

 _Rose Tyler:_ we are leaving you

 _Jack Harkness:_ see and you wonder WHY i cursed the plane

 _Donna Noble:_...

 _Donna Noble:_ who am i even talking to

 _Jack Harkness:_ the elite of mankind

 _Donna Noble:_ no

 _Rose Tyler:_ god

 _Donna Noble:_ i probably should, but still no

 _Rose Tyler:_ no i mean GOD, how am i gonna find him? he'll get trampled on

 _Rose Tyler:_ he'll give people those big sad eyes and make a lot of noise and probably break something pricey

 _Rose Tyler:_ then somebody will feed him pears or caffeine out of pity and he will die

 _Rose Tyler:_ he’s not gentled, people scare him

 _Donna Noble:_ wow i didn't know you had a cocker spaniel, rose

 _Rose Tyler:_ we’re talking more of a corgi

 _Martha Jones:_ Isn’t he too tall for a corgi?

 _Rose Tyler:_ he’s anomalous

 _Rose Tyler:_ we accept him anyway

 _Donna Noble:_ good grief

 _Jack Harkness:_ what a mental image

 _Jack Harkness:_ and it finally gave me a legitimate reason to give you a leash as a wedding gift!

 _Martha Jones:_ Hang on, you didn’t answer. What precious encounter?

 _Mickey Smith:_ NONE WHATSOEVER

 _Jack Harkness:_ my lips are sealed

 _Martha Jones:_ …Alright.

* * *

 

 _Jack Harkness_ to _Donna Noble:_ but hypothetically

 _Jack Harkness:_ if i had a friend who wanted to erase certain unflattering data from a certain devilish device having been used and wronged by certain other false friend

 _Jack Harkness:_ …how much of a skilled hacker are you?

 _Donna Noble:_ hypothetically

 _Donna Noble:_ i simply cannot wait to see your nudes jack

 _Jack Harkness:_ why thank you donna

 _Jack Harkness:_ but that goes without saying

 _Donna Noble:_ you KNOW thats not how i meant it

 _Jack Harkness:_ can you blame me

 _Jack Harkness:_ i saw an opportunity

 _Jack Harkness:_ i jumped on it

 _Donna Noble:_ isn’t that the story of your life though

 _Jack Harkness:_ you flatter me

 _Donna Noble:_ i truly do not

* * *

_John Noble_ to _Jack Harkness_ : hhhxsff .?.?

 _Jack Harkness:_ yes, absolutely

 _John Noble:_ xxffh

 _Jack Harkness:_ oh john me too

 _John Noble:_ aewdcvvvgc,?

 _Jack Harkness:_ always

* * *

_Jack Harkness:_ to _AND i will rename it whenever wherever (we're meant to be together) i want SUCKERS_ : john seems okey dokey

 _Jack Harkness:_ i think he just tried to confess his love to me via the messenger app

 _Jack Harkness:_ a truly touching moment

_Martha Jones changed the name of the group to The Group Chat_

_Jack Harkness:_ wow thanks picasso, that was creative

 _Rose Tyler:_ isn’t that funny, jack

 _Rose Tyler:_ cos i found john’s phone being squashed down by my thigh just a moment ago

 _Jack Harkness:_ ah

 _Jack Harkness:_  i stand corrected, rose tyler's thigh tried to confess its love to me

 _Jack Harkness:_ which btw  > any confession from the nasa boi

 _Rose Tyler:_ i’m amputating

 _Jack Harkness:_ it’s called divorce and it's YOUR fault

 _Jack Harkness:_ she felt neglected

 _Donna Noble:_ fucks sake guys what is this conversation even

 _Donna Noble:_ it’s 3 in the bloody morning

 _Jack Harkness:_ thirst has no curfew

 _Donna Noble:_ OH MY GOD

_Donna Noble has left the group._

_Martha Jones:_ You’re adding her this time, Jack.

 _Jack Harkness:_ no i shan’t

* * *

 

 _Rose Tyler_ to _if_ _john's a corgi what breed is donna_ : okay i found him

 _Rose Tyler:_ christ on a bike he's bought like a CUPBOARD of doughnuts

 _Mickey Smith:_ man now i want a doughnut

 _Jack Harkness:_ @donna face up to the truth comrade

 _Jack Harkness:_ rottweiler or french bulldog?

_Donna Noble has left the group._

_Jack Harkness:_ *whispers* coward

* * *

_Jack Harkness_ to _all the other kids with their pumped up MICKS_ : joooohhn come back already i miss youuu

 _Jack Harkness:_ (and you can bring the doughnuts)

 _John Noble:_ no, jack.

 _John Noble:_ you were only with me for my body anyway

 _Jack Harkness:_ ah what can i say

 _Jack Harkness:_ thine luscious locks hath slain me

 _John Noble:_ well that was dreadful in a variety of ways

 _John Noble:_ i shivered

 _Mickey Smith:_ sounded like a shakespeare sonnet

 _John Noble:_ NO it didn’t, mickey.

 _Jack Harkness:_ YES

 _Jack Harkness:_ my mickeys eyes are nothing like the sun

 _Mickey Smith:_ is that a bad thing

 _John Noble:_ bastard

 _John Noble:_ you got over me quick

 _Jack Harkness:_ the principle of evolution, john

 _Jack Harkness:_ is adaptability

 _John Noble:_ yeah say goodbye to the hair

 _Jack Harkness:_ already have :(

* * *

_Rose Tyler:_ to Jack Harkness: i have to agree

 _Rose Tyler:_ the hair is quite magnificent

 _Jack Harkness:_ ah yes do go on rose

 _Jack Harkness:_ rub the salt in my wounds

 _Rose Tyler:_ did you know there's a mole between his shoulder blades

 _Jack Harkness:_...........

 _Jack Harkness:_ ight that’s it

 _Jack Harkness:_ i am officially hijacking the plane

 _Rose Tyler:_ i thought you cursed it :)

 _Jack Harkness:_ i’m zeus and the skies obey me

 _Rose Tyler:_ right, cheesecake

 _Jack Harkness:_ for the last time it’s BEEFCAKE

* * *

 

 _Jack Harkness_ to _I Am a Ginger Cat and Piss Off Already, Jack_ : is anybody awake?

_Read by everyone 4.01 a.m._

_Jack Harkness:_ ah

 _Jack Harkness:_ so this is what caesar felt like

 _Donna Noble:_ :)

* * *

 

 _Martha Jones_ to _Ides of Jack_ : Have you boarded the plane already?

 _Jack Harkness:_ no

 _Martha Jones:_ Yes, because I've been clearly addressing you, Jack.

 _John Noble:_ i love you all

 _Martha Jones:_ That’s… good?

 _Donna Noble:_ yuck, keep it to yourself john, will you

 _Jack Harkness:_ ???

 _Jack Harkness:_ can this be the day john is ready for the polyamorous adventure of his lifetime?

 _Donna Noble:_ YUCK

 _Rose Tyler:_ glucose overdose

 _Rose Tyler:_ he’s high as a kite

 _Donna Noble:_ WHAT nooo why am i not there

 _Donna Noble:_ i actually tolerate high john! high john is fun!

 _John Noble:_ ilu roes

 _John Noble changed the name of the group to_ _Roes <3 <3 <3_

 _Jack Harkness:_ things be heating up in the rose tyler fandom

 _Rose Tyler:_ it’s not a very crowded fandom

 _Jack Harkness:_ well

 _Jack Harkness:_ there’s me and as a god i exceed many a mortal man

 _Jack Harkness:_ plus soon enough it's gonna comprise of the entire nasa so

 _Rose Tyler:_ asfdvew

 _Jack Harkness:_ aw did he try to lick you?

 _Rose Tyler:_ how

 _Rose Tyler:_ how would you even guess that

 _Donna Noble:_ Y U C K

 _Martha Jones:_ Watch out, Rose, he’s probably bugged you.

 _Jack Harkness:_ i would NEVER

 _John Noble:_ sweET

 _Jack Harkness:_ as in rose tastes sweet, the doughnuts were sweet or as in me not bugging you was sweet?

 _John Noble:_ swet

 _Martha Jones:_ Coherence first, as they say.

 _Donna Noble:_ (yuck)

* * *

_5.01 a.m._

_Jack Harkness_ to _Rose Tyler:_ so hows the flight?

 _Rose Tyler:_ it is, surprisingly, more or less exactly the same as 2 minutes ago

 _Jack Harkness:_  well fancy that

 _Jack Harkness:_ and hows shakespeare 2.0?

 _Rose Tyler:_ drooling all over me

 _Rose Tyler:_ jack let me sleep

 _Jack Harkness:_ et tui brute?

 _Rose Tyler:_ *toi

 _Jack Harkness:_  i thought you hated france

 _Rose Tyler:_ keep your enemies closer and all that

 _Jack Harkness:_ noice. smart.

 _Rose Tyler:_ goodnight jacques

 _Jack Harkness:_  je suis betrayed

* * *

_11.09 a.m._

_Rose Tyler_ to _Et si tu n’existais pas dis-moi pourquoi j’existerais_ : so we’ve fucking landed.

 _Donna Noble:_  and good morning to you too!

 _John Noble:_ just to be clear, Rose hasn’t slept too much

 _John Noble:_ proceed with caution

 _Rose Tyler:_ well and WHOSE bloody fault is that, JOHN

 _Rose Tyler:_ let me bloody THINK

 _Jack Harkness:_ i bet it’s mickey’s

 _John Noble:_ i said i was sorry, Rose

 _John Noble:_ genuinely really sorry

 _Rose Tyler:_ you’re sleeping on the fucking couch for the next fucking infinity john

 _John Noble:_ :(

 _Jack Harkness:_ aw rosie, this is but a lovers’ tiff

 _Rose Tyler:_ shut the fuck up harkness you’re even WORSE

 _Rose Tyler:_ i HATE you all

 _Rose Tyler:_ fuckers

 _Jack Harkness:_ aaand the award for the chirpiest morning person goes to roes!

 _Rose Tyler:_ *middle finger*

 _Donna Noble:_ it does look somewhat more sophisticated without the visual aid

 _John Noble:_ oh it’s visual alright

 _Jack Harkness:_ where are martha and mickey? they’re missing out big time

 _Rose Tyler:_ oh i don’t know maybe

 _Rose Tyler:_ ASLEEP

 _John Noble:_ ow

 _Donna Noble:_ what did she punch you with?

 _John Noble:_ …..i think…….jackie’s pickles

 _Rose Tyler:_ i hope you CHOKE on them, john

 _Donna Noble:_ it’s love.

* * *

_Jack Harkness changed the name of the group to_ _Somewhere Beyond the Sea, They’re There Waiting For Me_

Jack Harkness: SURPRISE KIDS UNCLE JACK IS COMING TO VISIT

 _Rose Tyler:_ no

Jack Harkness: YES

John Noble: NO

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> everytime i write something here i feel like it's a merry cocktail of vaguely mismatched references :D but i hope you liked this somewhat short installment


	4. whatever it takes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jack finds love. Rose and John try to settle across the sea. Donna and Martha try to co-exist peacefully. Mickey is Mickey.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> seems like this fic is my go-to whenever i'm incapable of writing anything more complex

_Jack Harkness_ to _Buy_ _your mickey now! microwave and dishwasher safe:_ i think i’m in love

_Read by everyone 12:01_

_Jack Harkness:_ see and this is what i get for years of hard work and sacrifice

 _Jack Harkness:_ loneliness and the cold shoulder™

 _Martha Jones:_ Go to sleep, Jack.

* * *

_Rose Tyler_ to _John Noble_ : i had a dream that we were doing cocaine

 _John Noble_ : what

 _Rose Tyler:_ and like donna was there too

 _Rose Tyler_ : we were just sitting on a bus or something and sniffing and then you said you have those special mental abilities

 _John Noble_ : sounds pretty legit so far

 _Rose Tyler_ : in your dreams

 _Rose Tyler:_ but then you started like saying stuff before people thought them?? and they got mad

 _Rose Tyler_ : so they pushed you out through a window

 _Rose Tyler:_ and i just sat there all sad

 _Rose Tyler:_ but then it turned out i was donna all along i just thought i was me because of all the cocaine

 _Rose Tyler:_ and then you came back wearing a blue suit and said it was midnight and the spell is about to break so we have to go home and i woke up

 _John Noble:_ Rose honestly what the frickin heck

 _John Noble:_ is it a proper reaction to jet lag??

 _Rose Tyler:_ i don’t know

 _Rose Tyler:_ i did see jack sniffing his hand on skype before i dozed off

 _John Noble:_ subliminal messages?

 _John Noble:_ also that’s probs cause donna bought him lavender bodywash for birthday

 _Rose Tyler:_ ah. figures

 _Rose Tyler:_ it was nice though

 _John Noble:_ when i fell through the window?

 _Rose Tyler:_ that’s not what i meant

 _John Noble:_ SURE

* * *

_Rose Tyler_ to _John Noble:_ also definitely buy yourself a blue suit

 _John Noble:_ noted

 _Rose Tyler:_ ;)

* * *

_Jack Harkness_ to _Do fish sleep_ : his name is ianto

 _Mickey Smith:_ he was a showgirl

 _Donna Noble:_ HOW MANY TIMES

 _Donna Noble:_ DO I HAVE TO SAY

 _Donna Noble:_ NO. MENTIONING. OF fucking COPACABANA!!

 _Mickey Smith changed the name of the group to_ _Music and passion were always the fashion_

 _Donna Noble:_ i hate you.

 _Jack Harkness:_ donna. we KNOW

 _Donna Noble:_ so

 _Donna Noble:_ whose name is ianto?

 _Jack Harkness:_ what, really?

 _Donna Noble:_ yeah i’m asking aren’t i

 _Jack Harkness:_ the boy?? i’m in love with?? that ive been talking about constantly for like a week????

 _Donna Noble:_ wait he’s real?

 _Donna Noble:_ i legit thought you were pulling my leg

 _Donna Noble:_ it sounded so cheesy

 _Donna Noble:_ ‘he wears pink shirts and smells like daisies donna’ god

 _Donna Noble:_ i thought it was like that prank of yours with that shitty nicholas sparks film where you told me it was amy pond’s graduation film and i fucking congratulated her through the tears and she still wheezes with laughter each time she sees me to this day

 _Jack Harkness:_ … and i STILL stand by that prank

 _Martha Jones:_ So, Ianto, huh?

 _Jack Harkness:_ he’s such a sunshine

 _Jack Harkness:_ REALLY

 _Martha Jones:_ Won’t John be jealous, though?

 _Jack Harkness:_ nah

 _Jack Harkness:_ we had something a long time ago

 _Jack Harkness:_ but the lad threw it away for a bonnie lass

 _Jack Harkness:_ who hath bewitched him with her villainous powers

 _Rose Tyler:_ :~)

 _John Noble:_ i know this was supposed to be scottish but it what it was is a Disaster

 _Jack Harkness:_ aw

 _Jack Harkness:_ so he IS jealous

 _Martha Jones:_ Told you.

* * *

_John Noble_ to _Rose Tyler:_ so that thing scully does with her face when mulder says aliens

 _Rose Tyler:_ it’s 4 am

John Noble: that ‘are you fucking kidding me how the fuck do i even find you attractive’ face

 _Rose Tyler:_ a bloody m

 _Rose Tyler:_ f o u r, John. four.

 _John Noble:_ i realise now what you meant when you said you find it relatable

 _John Noble:_ when i asked why you’re watching such sham

 _Rose Tyler:_ do you also realise

 _Rose Tyler:_ that you’re a twat?

 _John Noble:_ you sure do remind me a lot

 _Rose Tyler:_ get your arse back home from the lab already

 _John Noble:_ aw i miss you too

 _Rose Tyler:_ i’m gonna give it a kick

* * *

_Martha Jones_ to _Donna Noble:_ I can’t believe you did that.

 _Donna Noble:_ is this one of those moments

 _Donna Noble:_ where everyone is going to shout ‘she did that!!’ ‘yes she did!!!’ and realise i am a goddess

 _Martha Jones:_ No, I can’t believe you left the tap in the bathroom running AND the iron plugged at the same time so I was confronted with both smoke and flood of a bubblebath upon returning home.

 _Donna Noble:_ well

 _Donna Noble:_ i’m just one of a kind, aren’t i

 _Martha Jones:_ Donna, this is the third time this week something goes drastically wrong.

 _Martha Jones:_ Don’t get me wrong, but you’re really a terrible roommate.

 _Donna Noble:_ HOW can you take that wrong

 _Martha Jones:_ How come I didn’t notice before?

 _Donna Noble:_ let me just say

 _Donna Noble:_ rose’s maths class was passed for a reason

 _Martha Jones:_ Well then, heavens help me.

 _Donna Noble:_ aw, don’t exaggerate martha

 _Donna Noble:_ i haven’t burned down the house or anything

 _Martha Jones:_ No, you’re right. Just the curtains.

* * *

_Donna Noble_ to _Mickey Smith:_ no but think about it.

 _Donna Noble:_ jack settling down??? to have a relationship?

 _Donna Noble:_ is the sky yellow yet?

 _Mickey Smith:_ donna you asked me this question six times go so sleep already

 _Donna Noble:_ no but THINK about it mickey

 _Mickey Smith:_ perhaps surprisingly

 _Mickey Smith:_ i am

* * *

_Donna Noble_ to _Rose Tyler:_ rose please come back already i’m going fucking crazy

 _Rose Tyler:_ why what’s going on??

 _Donna Noble:_ MARTHA is going on

 _Donna Noble:_ i mean, GOD it’s like she’s gone all terminator

 _Donna Noble:_ ‘DONNA don’t microwave the TEA!’ ‘donna don’t leave wet towels on the couch!!’ ‘donna TURN OFF THE TOASTER!’

 _Donna Noble:_ and i’m like take a CHILL PILL DOCTOR JONES

 _Donna Noble:_ and she just….stared at me and said ‘Donna, this isn’t funny.’

 _Donna Noble:_ like hell it wasn’t.

 _Rose Tyler:_ um

 _Donna Noble:_ ughh i just never realised how much of a buffer you were rose

 _Donna Noble:_ we really need you back. you were like GLUE in the household

 _Donna Noble:_ holding shit together

 _Rose Tyler:_ i’m honestly touched donna

 _Rose Tyler:_ but also ew you put tea in the microwave?

 _Rose Tyler:_  shame on you.

 _Donna Noble:_ desperate times call for desperate measures

 _Rose Tyler:_ yeah but that’s like mickey level of desperate

 _Donna Noble:_ shut it, no it isn’t

 _Donna Noble:_ look can’t you just poke john around and have him finish those trials or whatsit early

 _Donna Noble:_ i mean i love martha with all my heart and liver, she’s the light of my life

 _Donna Noble:_ BUT

 _Rose Tyler:_ love has no buts

 _Donna Noble:_ ‘love has no buts’ ~ rose shakespeare 2k17

 _Rose Tyler:_ love is not love when it alters when a but finds

 _Donna Noble:_ jack would yell ‘you mean when it A BUTT finds HAHA’ now

 _Rose Tyler:_ face it donna you would yell that too

 _Donna Noble:_ yeah :/

 _Donna Noble:_ seriously though

 _Donna Noble:_ i’m dreading the moment i’ll find her scalpel between my ribs

 _Rose Tyler:_ nah that’s not martha’s style

 _Rose Tyler:_ she’s sophisticated and dainty

 _Rose Tyler:_ better dread, like, tea with a pinch of cyanide

 _Donna Noble:_ THANKS rose

 _Rose Tyler:_ and she’s right, you know

 _Rose Tyler:_ you’re shit at being a roommate

 _Donna Noble:_ on second thought don’t come back at all.

 _Rose Tyler:_ :~)

 _Donna Noble:_ and STOP USING THAT EMOJI ITS CREEPY

* * *

_Rose Tyler_ to _John Noble:_ i mean if you were literally anyone else i would legit assume you’re off having a sordid affair with the cleaning lady in that lab, the amount of time you’re spending there

 _John Noble:_ i’m not THAT stupid Rose

 _Rose Tyler:_ honestly i’m considering doing an exploratory skulk round the neighbours out of boredom

 _Rose Tyler:_ did you know the old lady upstairs has three lizards??? three!

 _John Noble:_ ok but take the pepper spray

 _Rose Tyler:_ …..we’ve got pepper spray?

 _John Noble:_ of course we’ve got pepper spray, Rose

 _John Noble:_ you think i would leave you in an unknown area without pepper spray??

 _Rose Tyler:_ …

 _John Noble:_ shut up, it’s a valid precaution

 _Rose Tyler:_ you’re a valid precaution

 _John Noble:_ hmph

 _Rose Tyler:_ ehh, i can’t wait till my term starts and you’re free so that we’ve switched and you get to be the horrendous housewife cooking stones and making smalltalk with the postman

 _John Noble:_ hey i CAN cook

 _Rose Tyler:_ yeah right Doctor Cereal

 _John Noble:_ cereal, Rose Tyler, is a wholesome and nutritious meal

 _Rose Tyler:_ right

 _John Noble:_ but wait. was the postman coming on to you? should i intervene?

 _Rose Tyler:_ i’m pretty sure he’s eighty-nine john

 _Rose Tyler:_ when are you coming home?

 _John Noble:_ three hours tops now

 _John Noble:_ we’re recalibrating the smallest telescope

 _John Noble:_ and i’m convinced my stomach has atrophied by now

 _Rose Tyler:_ John’s choice between food and nasa ….

 _Rose Tyler:_ …. “NASA”

 _John Noble:_ good thing they’re not making me choose between Rose and nasa

 _Rose Tyler:_ oh you little shit

 _John Noble:_ … cause let’s face it the nasa would be pretty fucked :)))

 _Rose Tyler:_ COME HOME ALREADY

* * *

_Martha Jones_ to _Rose Tyler:_ How are you, Rose?

 _Rose Tyler:_ donna’s getting tough, eh?

 _Martha Jones:_ …

 _Martha Jones:_ I mean I can’t exactly disagree… Even though, you know we’re like cat and dog but she’s really my best friend. It’s just … uh, how do I put it?

 _Rose Tyler:_ its okay

 _Rose Tyler:_ she told me about the chill pill thing

 _Rose Tyler:_ i got the shivers

 _Martha Jones:_ Oh God, yes. It was dreadful.

 _Rose Tyler:_ it was but don’t poison her to soon, will you?

 _Martha Jones:_ Are you kidding? I won’t even begin to unscrew the vial; she’ll have burned down the entire block of flats by then.

 _Martha Jones:_ I’m genuinely surprised there is no Hurricane Donna!

 _Rose Tyler:_ yet

 _Rose Tyler:_ and, well…

 _Rose Tyler:_ all i can say is john fell asleep standing in the shower yesterday

 _Rose Tyler:_ with, like, his forehead pressed against the wall

 _Rose Tyler:_ the shampoo dried off in his hair when i found him

 _Rose Tyler:_ and today he stirred his cereal with a toothbrush

 _Rose Tyler:_ and asked me to pass him the germs

 _Rose Tyler:_ he meant jam.

 _Martha Jones:_ Genetics are fascinating.

 _Rose Tyler:_ without a doubt

* * *

_Mickey Smith_ to _maybe the groupchat was the friends we made along the way_ : i can’t believe i’m gonna ask that but

 _Mickey Smith:_ where is jack?? it’s, like, almost empty without him being an asshat all over the chat

 _Rose Tyler:_ probably off canoodling with ianto

 _Donna Noble:_ canoodling? rose your john is showing

 _John Noble:_ oi

 _Mickey Smith:_ and whats that ianto like? jack 2.0?

 _Martha Jones:_ No, he’s actually pretty sweet, we used to be partners in physics. Much calmer than Jack, too.

 _Rose Tyler:_ opposites attract

 _Donna Noble:_ that actually explains you and john

 _John Noble:_ OI

_Jack Harkness changed the name of the group to IT’S GETTIN’ KINDA HECTIC_

_Jack Harkness:_ HELLO BITCHES

 _Mickey Smith:_ i take it back, we were better off without him

 _Rose Tyler:_ so hows married life??

 _Jack Harkness:_ ive never felt more accomplished and happy in my life!

 _Martha Jones:_ Aw, look at that. Wee Jack, all grown up.

 _Martha Jones:_ Next thing we’ll be hearing of little jacklings on the way.

 _Mickey Smith:_ for a minute i thought it said ‘little jacquelines on the way’

 _Mickey Smith:_ and i was like holy shit rose what is your mum not tellin’ us

 _Rose Tyler:_ don’t even joke about that micks

 _Rose Tyler:_ tony’s bloody enough

 _Mickey Smith:_ aye

 _John Noble:_ what is it with you all and using scottish incorrectly

 _Martha Jones:_ What’s incorrect about it?

 _John Noble:_ im picturing you saying it out loud and it FEELS incorrect

 _Donna Noble:_ you feel incorrect

 _Rose Tyler:_ damn donna i wanted to say that

 _Donna Noble:_ high five!

 _John Noble:_ aw come on Rose whose side are you even on?

 _Rose Tyler:_ named any stars after me yet??

 _John Noble:_ you know they only let me clean the lenses so far :(

 _Rose Tyler:_ name a star, then we’ll talk sides

 _John Noble:_ :(((

 _Rose Tyler:_ also i made you maple syrup pancakes

 _John Noble:_ I LOVE YOU

 _Jack Harkness:_ OI

 _Jack Harkness:_ STOP STEALING MY THUNDER

 _Jack Harkness:_ get out of my English land you filthy americans and go be cute in a canyon

_Rose Tyler changed the name of the groupchat to Boston Tea Party_

_Donna Noble:_ now that’s a good idea if i’ve ever seen one

 _Donna Noble:_ lets have a tea party where we can inspect ianto

 _Jack Harkness:_ by inspect do you mean make awkward jokes, profoundly embarrass me and try to scare him away by having mickey do the cancan

 _Donna Noble:_ yes?

 _Mickey Smith:_ its not cancan it’s a special dance

 _Jack Harkness:_ i’m in

 _Rose Tyler:_ aw come on guys don’t be like that

 _Rose Tyler:_ don’t do it without us

 _Jack Harkness:_ go canoodle with john in maple syrup rose

 _John Noble:_ i mean it’s not like i’m protesting or anything

 _Rose Tyler:_ well youre disinvited from our turkey day

 _Donna Noble:_ and thanks heavens for that!

 _John Noble:_ this was the epitome of unfunny donna

 _Donna Noble:_ codswallop, john. i am the definition of funny.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope you enjoyed this fresh dose of absurd :~)


End file.
